Hi my favourite aunties,
It's a long time since I've been here.Even before Xmas I got very very ill, the artrithis and fibromyalgia were getting so bad I couldn't take care of myself. Because I live on my own and there's no-one to look after me I had to give in and go into hospital in the CFS Department.
There they tried new painkillers, but my joints still felt like they were in a vise and someone was tightening it. So they gave me muscle-relaxants and sleeping pills and most of the time I slept 16 hours a day. Even in such a dazed state I just kept on sobbing because I felt so miserable, so they treated me for depression. It helped a bit and I could come home this weekend to see if I could cope on my own.
I begged them to let me go last Wednesdag, because I got a ticket for Ed Harcourt's gig in Amsterdam on Thursday Jan. 18. The psychiatrist thought it a good idea, because it was the only thing that had kept me going or the last weeks. She did insist I would take someone with me, and I fibbed and told her that I went with a friend.
Doped up to the eyeballs with painkillers I set of to Amsterdam at 11.25 am. I had my bag packed, a hotel room booked and my train and gig ticket. I forgot to check the weatherforecast ...
Normally it takes about 3 hours from Gent to Amsterdam, but then this huge storm kicked in. At 4 pm we got kicked out the train in Rotterdam, but I managed to take 2 stoptrains and ended up in Utrecht by 6 pm. And there it became crystal clear: no more trains were running for the rest of the day and certainly not to Amsterdam, that had been hit very bad. I tried to hitch a ride, but the hightway between Utrecht and Amsterdam was closed off due to falling trees.
The stranded passengers were refered to the Jaarbeurshal (a building for trade fairs). Just crossing the street on my own was impossible, the wind blew me right back but in little groups we managed. I aimlesly walked through the building where there was coffee in abundance (but I can't stand the stuff) but no food. It's been a long time since it happened to me but the pain, stress and low blood sugar resulted in a seizure and I was carried off to the First Aid Post. I couldn't speak, my body trembled all over, but the sweet people gave me my medication and found a can of coke (sugar, oh sweet sugar). I don't know how long I was out for, but finally they found some sandwiches for me and I regained a bit of my strenght. But I couldn't stop crying: all I had longed for so much was gone and felt so lonley. Every ounce of strengh I had build up in hospital was swept away, so I guess they were absolutely right about the depression.
In the end the Red Cross people put up a 1000 beds in Hall 3, about half of them strechters and as "patient" I was wheeled there and got a strechter, an army blanket and even a pillow. Lots of people had to sleep on thin matresses on the concrete floor, probably very uncomfortable and cold.
At 5 am we got the wake up call and this time there was tea and a sandwich. I couldn't look at my face in the lavatory mirror, all blotched and swolled red eyes, but by pure exhaution I had slept that night. After I wolfed down my sandwich, took my medication I wanted to get out of there. Took the train to Rotterdam at 6.17 am and arrived home before 10am. I went straight to bed and slept all through the afternoon. The rest of Friday was horribly: I just howled like a wolf at the full moon, I can't remember feeling so sad (well there were other times like when hubby left me to fend for myself) but I just crawled in the corner of my bedroom and wanted to fade away. Some sense came to and I gulped down a few sleeping pills and was uncounscious for a full 12 hours. But awake only one second it started again: the crying and wailing. And then the pain shot through me (forgot to take my painkillers again), but I managed to eat some cookies for sugar. The rest of the day were spent in catnaps and crying fits.
My mum texted me if I woudl come around tomorrow and I answered yes. If I can make it through tomorrow without crying, then I suppose I will be able to stay at home and just go to the hospital for hydrotherapy and phychiatric evaluation. If I can't manage a few hours with the only people I have left in the world, making it appear like I feel better, than I'll have go back on Monday.
I can't believe that my illness has made me so self-centred and all I feel is sorrow. Nothing else gets to me - I'm not fit to be an auntie ...
Thanks to Dave, Hobbitlady, Incognito who mailed me wondering what had happened to me. So now you know - thank you so much for caring. And to everyone on PN: it not to late to wish you all a Happpy New Year.
Hope to be back on this thread when I'm better. Thanks for listening. Lots of love form sadie xxx